My past isn’t glorious (in more than one way, eh?) and most of you would know that I used to be a really fat kid and generally a social outcast a few years back just because I was really self-conscious and awkward. 

I couldn’t go out without feeling like an ugly fuck.
I couldn’t talk to people more ‘good-looking’ than me without feeling awkward.
I couldn’t bear looking into a mirror at all.

I wasn’t suicidal but at the same time, I can’t deny that at certain points of my life, it had crossed my mind. Like dark butterflies, those thoughts fluttered around ever so gracefully around my tortured psyche, landing oh so often on the most vulnerable and exposed parts. What happened then, you ask? Well, I do not know how nor do I remember when but somehow I plucked up the courage to change. What did I do then? 

MOTHER FUCKING EXERCISE
I started to swim. Hell, I swam like my life depended on it every single fucking day. I lost a good deal of weight after the first 3-4 months. And as of now, I’m undergoing intense gym training under private instructor Andy Siew and have also recently joined the British Dragons (Dragonboat). To hell with residual fats, I’m going to get a nice body and prove people wrong.

Anyway, I digress. Slimming down gave me a huge self-esteem boost. I had people interested in me for the first time in my life and to be honest, I got a little complacent. I lost my values and moral beliefs. I chose who I wanted to give my attention to and who I wanted around me. I didn’t sleep around per se but still, fucking with the affections of all those people and arranging 4-5 dates a week on my convenience isn’t exactly holy either.
 
My principles used to lie on self-gratification, using others to fill the endless void within myself. It was vile, degrading even. But to be honest, it was exhilarating. I felt like I was living and I had wanted so fervently to keep on living like that; drifting from embraces to embraces, walking through every door that would open.

Odd, I’ve never been so accommodating but every question has been answered now. 

And lastly to you,
Sometimes when I see you, your eyes look so hard. A little distant at times too. But sad. It always held a tinge of hurt somehow. I don’t think really bad people could ever look like that. It’s like you’re looking for something, someone perhaps. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for. Lost people do bad things at times; I hope you find what you’re looking for, I really do.

Love, Cheshire.

I will stand up for my beliefs even if it means I stand alone.

What a terrible scene but so appropriate for certain circles. You know, sometimes I feel like I’m walking over a giant pile of shit. Morality and sensitivity don’t really suit me. Words like that and what comes out of asses are surprisingly similar. That’s not to say I don’t try to be morally upright and sensitive, it’s just that sometimes you just meet people whom you want to run over with a truck  hold in your arms and love them till the morning sun arises.

I find it adorable how people think they can lie to me about fidelity. I’m not the best informed guy out there but I have my means of finding out certain facts for myself. I’m not angry per se, I’m just annoyed by how you keep trying to hang around even after I’ve exposed your lies. And thing is, I was never interested to start with. And it does not help that people think I’m the third party that got in the way.

People who sin say that they had to, to survive. People who sin say that it’s too late to stop now. The shadow called ‘sin’ dogs them steadily from behind, silently, without a word. Remorse and agony are repeated, only to end in despair. You better stop soon.
 
Time to wake. The world in front of you is neither heaven nor hell. It is reality.